Wife busted cheating in midnight scandal
Just when we thought a husband dobbing on his wife to his mum was the most humiliating thing to happen on Tuesday night's Married At First Sight, a wife is dumped after begging for affection before one man finds out he's being cheated on in Darling Harbour.
I know. Who chooses to hang out in Darling Harbour? That's perhaps the most shocking thing of all.
Let's be honest. We all thought this episode was going to be a long ride to Snooze Town. Last night we saw the more interesting couples catch up with their meddling families. And the boring couples are relegated to the Tuesday night slump episode.
But things took a nice turn. Unlike producers, I will not make you wait 90 minutes for the gold. We will start with it.
We bust in to David and Hayley's apartment, hoping to see them enjoying all the ice cream flavours on offer. If you don't understand that, consider yourself lucky. I remember a simpler time when ice cream flavours were just ice cream flavours, and I could enjoy Ben & Jerry's in peace.
But Hayley's not there. It's just David alone, eating ice cream. And no, that's not a euphemism.
The voiceover lady fills in the blanks.
"David is at home alone and has just found out Hayley's out on the town and getting close with another husband," she dutifully informs.
Suddenly, the footage goes rough and ready. David's recording a cry for help video on his iPhone.
"It's now one o'clock in the morning. There's a few little rumours I've heard. Chris, Hayley and Michael have gone out to Darling Harbour. And I was told that Hayley is macking on with Michael," he reveals.
We're shocked. Who the hell says "macking on"? And more importantly, who goes to Darling Harbour voluntarily? David shoots us a look.
"Hayley is making out with Michael," he continues. "My darling wife is making out with another husband."
He says she has forgotten her key card. Holding up the door swipe, he lets out a maniacal laugh.
"She can't get into her room. I've removed myself … It's probably best I stay in here for now," he cackles. "Why am I smiling? Because I just want to go home and put this nightmare of a marriage behind me."
Then we get kicked out of David's room and we don't get to see an explosive ending. They don't even let us hang out in the hallway so we can witness drunk Hayley banging on the door for David to let her in. How rude!
But this was a half-decent pay-off to a crap pile of an episode. Earlier on, we had to sit through lunch with Nile and Geraldine. Wait. Mork and Vivienne? Oh. I've just checked the chart above my desk. Their names are Chris and Vanessa. Anyway, they're the boring couple who producers stopped allocating a camera crew to weeks ago because they never did anything.
He really isn't into her and she's not taking the hint - he has been faking the flu for weeks just so he doesn't have to sleep in the same bed. She's at a real low, so she reaches out to the only expert who can provide wise guidance and rock solid psychological theory: Dr Hayley.
Vanessa vents her frustrations and Hayley puts on her best listening face while she secretly thinks about better things.
Hayley takes a few moments to silently process the information and really consider Vanessa's problem before offering an answer. Then, she finally speaks.
"David and I had a date night last night," she begins. "I went and got movie tickets for us, we went to the cinemas. We got home, David said he was gonna go get food. He didn't come back with food, he came back with a slab. I just don't get his way of thinking and his mannerisms. I went to bed and got up later and there was a six pack next to him. And he was on the phone watching TV."
Vanessa stares at Hayley and tries to figure out how on earth this anecdote relates to her own personal struggles.
Turns out, Hayley's just a fan of tough love.
"She's not the only one who's getting the short end of the straw," she shrugs to us.
Vanessa accepts Hayley's self-serving rant and decides to offer her own jumbled analogy.
"You can't lead a horse to water, basically", she sighs.
Indeed. And if I may add my own piece of mix-and-match wisdom: a stitch in time gathers no moss.
This interaction just plunges Vanessa into an even deeper anxiety and by the time the family lunch rolls around, she's a mess. Chris invites his sister and brother over and she invites her best friend who also brings her tween daughter.
Vanessa's in a complete state and, in front of all the family and friends, she breaks down and starts begging her husband to say if he's attracted to her.
"I feel very rejected, 100 per cent," she spits out. "I've never felt so rejected in my life."
"I just feel like things have turned shit," he tells her. "When you sit here barking like this, it does push me further back."
She picks up and storms out. Her best friend runs after her. It's really awkward. Mainly because no one has complimented Chris's sister's statement hat.
"He's an unaffectionate human and it's f**king destroying me!" Vanessa cries.
We sympathise, but it's basically a heterosexual version of Amanda and Tash and we're not interested in repetitive storylines.
Everyone feels uncomfortable. But not more than the tween daughter who's left with Chris, who's now sobbing, and his brother - two strange men she met, like, 20 minutes ago.
"The way she's been acting, I'm not attracted to her. It's already hard enough now. I didn't come here for this shit. I'm a hundred per cent out right now," Chris tells the strange tween at his dining table.
And outside, Vanessa vents to Chris's sister.
"It's so humiliating asking someone to show you affection. I didn't come here for this shit," she sobs, ignoring Chris's sister's statement hat.
Upstairs, Cathy and Josh are still making up drama to try get camera time. This time, Josh has dobbed on Cathy to his mum for ignoring him and now mum is cutting sick at Cathy.
"That's a bit rough, Cath. For you to ignore Josh for three whole days, that breaks my heart. He's here with no family. That hurts me," she snaps, glaring at her daughter-in-law.
"Three days is three days too long. Don't ever ignore my son again."
Yeah, Cathy. This is what you get for wasting our time with made-up drama. A random mum has just roused on you on national television and we hope you have learnt your lesson. You should feel ashamed. Nothing's scarier than getting roused on by a random mum.
Back up at Nile and Geraldine's joint, they both quit the show and it's for the best. No one ever said it was easy. It's a cruel world we live in - one where love often ends in pain. One where tweens are tricked and dragged along into embarrassing situations, on camera. And one where statement hats always go unnoticed.