The Observer speaks exclusively with the real Santa Claus
WITH the tightest public relations on the planet, it took months of negotiations but finally The Observer is able to bring you our no-holds-barred, exclusive interview with the man of the moment, the big fella himself, Santa Claus.
We spoke with him this week and didn't hold back on the hard questions.
The Observer: Is that a fake beard, and how come no one has ever seen you and Ken O'Dowd in the same room?
Santa: I can assure you my beard is very real. I nearly shaved it off for the World's Greatest Shave a couple of years ago but my conditions of employment wouldn't allow it so I donated a sack full of toys instead. There's been much speculation over the years that Ken O'Dowd is the real Santa but an inquiry revealed that he just didn't deliver like Santa Claus.
The Observer: Speaking of employment conditions. It's 2017 yet all of your elves are men. Don't you think it's time you employed more women?
Santa: Santa's workshop has a very good equal opportunity policy so this is something we've been grappling with. Thing is, elves are men. There's no such thing as a female elf. We come under a lot of criticism though, so to be seen as equal opportunity I make sure at least half my elves are gay.
The Observer: You mention, 'no such thing'. What do you make of strong rumours there's actually no such thing as Santa, that you don't really exist?
Santa: Look, I'm the most famous man on the planet. When you're in the spotlight like I am you get used to rumours. I don't do social media any more after I kept reading stories that Mrs Claus and I were separating, setting the scene for the biggest divorce settlement in the history of folklore. It's rubbish. If I'm not real then who are you talking to?
The Observer: You judge kids by whether they've been naughty or nice but you give more presents to rich kids than poor kids. Why do you do that?
Santa: That's a very tough question. The toughest of them all.
The Observer: While we're on naughty and nice - are you in cahoots with the coal industry?
Santa: No, I don't get involved in politics.
The Observer: Obesity is a growing problem in western society. Do you think you've become a poor role model?
Santa: Geez, you're laying it on! I'm human right? I only work one day a year and where I'm from it's cold most of the time. It's hard to exercise and easy to eat lots. I'm trying. Give me a break.
The Observer: What is the best tantrum you've seen because in our experience kids don't really like sitting on your lap?
Santa: Tantrums, I've seen more tantrums than I've had plum pudding.
The Observer: How do you deal with the hangover from drinking millions of beers left out for you and have you ever been charged with flying under the influence?
Santa: I have special exemption from FUI and that's one of the reasons I'm so fat and only work one day of the year. It takes me 364 days to recover.
The Observer: Santa, it's been a pleasure. Merry Christmas to you.
Santa: Ho ho ho!