NUDE FOOD: It's World Naked Gardening Day today - but don't go getting any ideas.
NUDE FOOD: It's World Naked Gardening Day today - but don't go getting any ideas. Contributed

OPINION: Naked gardening not all its cracked up to be

Apparently today is World Naked Gardening Day, but not in my neck of the woods it isn't.

According to the Bible, Adam and Eve were the first naked gardeners and look how well that worked out.

Not that I worry about talking snakes interrupting my nap under the apple tree because I don't have an apple tree.

Also, I'm not a big fan of lying butt naked on our itchy, prickle ridden, ant filled, grass.

Naked gardening is one of those ideas which sounds like it will promise titillating thrills, but the reality is far from it.

In your head you're thinking it's all beautiful, lithe nymphs and buffed, bronzed, blokes disporting across a lush lawn in the altogether.

But in reality it's people who look a lot like, well, me, stomping about outside wearing nothing but a smile and looking about as sexy as a busted thong.

Here's an image for all you doubters, just picture a naked middle aged man bending over to pick up a heavy bag of potting mix.

Once you manage to push that horrendous mental image aside, think about all the other hazards facing bare-backed gardeners.

Starting with the biggie, sun burn.

There are parts of our bodies not used to being exposed to direct sunlight and it won't take them long to sizzle like a sausage on a hotplate.

Then there's the tricky problems of thorny branches, prickly plants and stinging insects.

But all those pale into insignificance when it comes to the damage a flailing power tool can wreak on your sensitive bits.

The words 'weed whacker', 'whipper snipper' and 'brush cutter' will take on a whole new meaning for anyone using a power trimmer while naked.

Finally, thanks to drones, your neighbours' closed circuit cameras, telephoto lenses and spy satellites there really is no privacy anywhere these days.

You may only spend a few moments flouncing down your garden path in a moment of horticultural hedonism, but the images of your little romp will be online forever.

Is that really the legacy you want to leave your offspring?

Naked gardening is a bit like publishing your personal diary, honestly some things are better left uncovered.