There's what Josh Frydenberg said in his budget speech and there's what he meant. Joe Hildebrand deciphers it all so you understand what the government is really trying to say.

THE ECONOMY

WHAT HE SAID: Australia is coming back. In the face of a once-in-a-century pandemic, the Australian spirit has shone through. 'Team Australia' at its best.

WHAT HE MEANT: If you are criticising this Budget you are actually criticising Australia and therefore you are a no good commie pinko rat.

Don’t be a pinko rat and criticise the budget. Picture: iStock
Don’t be a pinko rat and criticise the budget. Picture: iStock

SECURITY

WHAT HE SAID: A plan that builds a more resilient and secure Australia. It is a plan guided by our enduring values.

WHAT HE MEANT: Australian values, Coalition values, Liberal values - whatever you want to call them. The point is they're not Chinese values.

VACCINES

WHAT HE SAID: In total the Morrison Government has committed $20 billion to the vaccine rollout and to strengthen our health system in response to COVID.

WHAT HE MEANT: We know the states like to take all the credit for beating COVID but just remember who's footing the bill.

 

TAX

WHAT HE SAID: Tonight we provide small business with peace of mind that an independent umpire will stand between them and the ATO when it comes to debt recovery actions.

WHAT HE MEANT: We hate tax so much we will actually hire a third party to stop us from getting it.

WOMEN

WHAT HE SAID: We will help more women break into non-traditional trades … And more STEM scholarships for women … (And) give more parents, especially women, the choice to take on extra work.

WHAT HE MEANT: We will not stop giving money to women until they stop hating us.

MORE WOMEN

WHAT HE SAID: We want all Australians to get the most out of the superannuation system. On average women retire with less superannuation than men.

WHAT HE MEANT: Seriously, we will not stop.

TECHNOLOGY

WHAT HE SAID: We are investing $1.2 billion in our Digital Economy Strategy … We are launching a new 'patent box' starting on 1 July next year.

WHAT HE MEANT: For all you hipster Millennials who think we don't get technology, we just totally invented a word.

AGED CARE

WHAT HE SAID: Tonight, we commit $17.7 billion in practical and targeted new funding to significantly improve the system.

WHAT HE MEANT: Old people, remember the Coalition still loves you. Screw those millennial hipsters.

The Coalition’s gas policy is directed at Chris Bowen. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Jeremy Piper
The Coalition’s gas policy is directed at Chris Bowen. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Jeremy Piper

HEALTH

WHAT HE SAID: Tonight, we announce the listing of Emgality to treat chronic migraines.

WHAT HE MEANT: Our political - er, medical - research shows a lot of voters get migraines.

CLIMATE AND ENERGY

WHAT HE SAID: The Government is unlocking Australia's vast gas reserves in the North Bowen and Galilee Basins, and investing in hydrogen-ready gas plants.

WHAT HE MEANT: Actually this policy is directed not so much at North Bowen as at Chris Bowen.

CORONAVIRUS

WHAT HE SAID: This pandemic is far from over.

WHAT HE MEANT: You re-elected all the other COVID governments so make sure you don't forget us.

 

Originally published as 'Only commie pinko rats hate this Budget'