In the dark of night, nothing scares like Spidershark
GREETINGS, hombres. Firstly, a confession to make. The beard has been trimmed, so this will be a slightly less cavemanish chronicle.
Anyway, another fortnight meets us, so this edition we will be talking about fears.
Not The Sum of All Fears - a quality movie - but fears, our greatest fears, or more specifically, my greatest fear.
Exhibit A, below. Drink it in. That there is the source of my worst nightmares.
A lovely lady in Sydney, Erin, was kind enough to provide the Monet-like artwork to illustrate what it is that gives me night terrors every now and then (nightly).
I had a weird fascination with sharks as a kid. I wanted to be a marine biologist and was completely obsessed with Great White Sharks.
Until I woke up one day and realised I was completely scared shitless of them and my marine biology career went up in smoke (or is sank to the bottom more appropriate? Not sure.)
But the one thing I have feared above all else since I can remember is spiders. And heights.
But mainly spiders.
Spiders have the ability to paralyse me in my tracks, completely freeze me with fear to the core of my being.
I can't stand them - the way they move, look, act and think. Everything about them is creepy and untrustworthy.
I can't imagine spiders being nice, helping other spiders cross the road for example.
They're not good people.
I'm rendered useless when a spider is within a 10-1000m radius of me and if I can see it, I'm done.
Small children are called to deal with spider problems before I can.
My sister used to get the call from down the hall, to come and do battle with an eight-legged tormenter, as I stood on the bed armed with slippers, sweating like a heroin addict going cold turkey.
And one day it got me thinking about my ultimate fear.
Imagine a cunning, devious, poisonous spider, huntsman even, riding atop a Great White Shark, with a top hat, gloves and holding the reins to this shark, steering the Great White around to do its bidding for him.
That there is my all-time biggest nightmare.
The Great White's killer animal instinct and sheer power, combined with the evil ways of the spider, and you have yourself one formidable, terrifying opponent.
The only thing possibly worse was if I encountered them on top of something high, like a swimming pool suspended 20m above the ground.
If and when that day arises, that's me done. Chips cashed in, sayonara, I'm out.
Question of the fortnight: Would you rather do battle with two ninjas in the light, or 10 sumos in the dark?