Toxic wife banished after exposing lies
Tangled in a web of lies, a hysterical Married At First Sight husband evicts his wife from his home on Monday night after she busts him and exposes his history of deception.
With twists, turns and seemingly sweet characters turning into villains who betray us, it's like this episode was written by that Liane Moriarty lady.
Lying is a dark art and not everyone is cut out for the profession.
As a serial liar, I can relate to the pressure felt tonight. If you say things with enough confidence, people will believe you. People are idiots.
And this is what Billy has been doing - saying things in the hope we all believe him. But tonight he trips. He is caught.
Serial liars know that you've got to stick to your guns - especially when you're busted. Even if someone puts together a PowerPoint presentation featuring detailed timelines and candid photos and video footage proving you wrong, you've got to keep lying. And if all else fails, flip it on them and accuse them of lying.
Sometimes I dream about getting twisted in my own web of lies, just to feel the adrenaline and achievement when I swiftly untangle myself and run away unpunished.
It's a true skill - one that I should include on my resume but don't need to because it's already filled with very impressive lies.
Unsurprisingly, Billy isn't slick and he cracks under the pressure when he gets busted tonight and just starts crying. This life isn't for him. Serial liars aren't made - they're born.
His lies stretch back far - way back to his claims about being a barista-slash-personal-trainer. It's a glamorous job and we're sure a lot of people have lied about being a barrister-slash-personal-trainer to get ahead. But suspicions have been raised. Last week he made Susie cold coffees. And tonight - on the home visits, where we're forced to stay in the boys' gross crap shacks - he pulls out a jar of Moccona. A true barista wouldn't be caught dead with a jar of Moccona.
Even though Susie is more of a Nescafe Blend 43 kinda gal, her problem isn't with the Moccona. It's with the disgusting lie that comes next.
"Do you have sweetener?" she asks.
Billy pauses. He smiles.
"Yes," he laughs.
He claimed to have Splenda in the pantry, but he doesn't. He doesn't have Splenda at all - or any other kind of artificial sweetener.
Susie is rocked to her very bones. She can't believe someone would lie about something as important as artificial sweetener.
It's the beginning of the web untangling. Susie is on high alert and she's about to catch him out on something else.
Meanwhile, Michael takes Martha to the primary school he teaches PE at and she fits in super well. Within moments, she rises through the ranks of the popular kids and becomes queen bee. She takes it upon herself to teach her subordinates how to be mean girls.
"What rumours do you know," she asks the girls.
One of them gazes and Michael and says he's really strong. Feeling threatened, Martha cuts the girl out of the group and tells everyone not to talk to her.
Up in Newcastle, Cyrell is still begging for forgiveness for attacking Martha last week. Her guilt is palpable and she can't stop apologising. She has even started apologising to random people who have no knowledge about what even happened and who honestly don't care.
Nic takes her to a BBQ at his mum Cathy's house. Cathy asks Cyrell if she wants some potato salad and Cyrell drops to her knees crying.
"I haven't been the best wife to your son, Cathy. There was a rumour that he was touching another wife under the table, sexually," Cyrell wails, sharing details Cathy really doesn't need or want to hear.
Down in Melbourne, Mark welcomes Ning into his home and we get the grand tour. He shows her the one plate and spoon and cup that he owns. And then he introduces us to the two body-pillows he bought on the internet.
And back up in Byron Bay, Billy pulls out the old family photo album.
"It's a cause I really believe in," he says about the racy charity calendar and, honestly me too. Nude calendars are a cause that have always been close to my heart. In fact, I just support nudes in general.
Susie, not so much.
No lies were associated with the nudes. Indeed, it's hard to lie when you're nude but it can be done. But the lies continue to roll out down at the beach when Billy takes Susie for a surf.
Of course Susie throws a tantrum and strops back to the sand because no one told her there would be water or wind down here.
But the wetness of the water isn't what pushes her over the edge. It's another lie.
Billy tells her the last time he went surfing was two month ago. But she recalls that he told her - just last week, on their honeymoon - the last time he hit the waves was two years ago. Aha!
Oh Billy, the first lesson in serial lying is continuity. And if you are going to play fast and loose with times and dates, at least have the nous to think on your feet when someone raises an eyebrow.
Billy has been busted - he's twisted in his own web of lies. We're not quite sure why this surfing lie is so offensive, but apparently it's huge.
"What do you have to say?" Susie yells at Billy after catching him out.
"It's about what you told me - what you told me is, 'Oh, I haven't surfed in a couple of years,' but now you tell me you surfed a couple of months ago? That's just misleading!
"You're lying to me! You lied! I'm never gonna be able to trust you. You lie."
She gets so annoyed she runs down the other end of the beach to tell us all about it while frantically using air quotes.
Susie doesn't stop. She does a roll call of all the lies Billy has spun - there's the Splenda and now the surfing and … the … the Splenda and, ah …. the surfing. So many lies, it's unbelievable.
Billy is humiliated. It's the kind of mortification that washes over your entire body when someone asks if you know some weird folk band and you lie and say yes and then they ask you what your favourite song is of theirs and you stare blankly and mumble something about jet planes and buffaloes.
Again, Billy isn't cut out for life as a serial liar. Susie berating him on the beach with her proof makes him crack.
"I don't like being treated like shit, like I'm worthless! Like a piece of shit!" he scream-cries.
The embarrassing spat is right in the middle of this beach in Byron Bay. Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky start walking by and they're mortified to even witness it.
Exposed and with nowhere to hide, Billy is now hysterical and defensive. He burns with shame. And he wants payback. He wants Susie to feel as worthless and disposable as she has made him feel.
"Please go. Honestly, go," he says, evicting her from his house.
It's heartbreaking and we're crushed. Of course, I'm lying.
For more observations on artificial sweetener and lying, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir