How to tax doctors and pretend you're an economist

Dear How Do I: Business,

I own a medical practice with two of my colleagues and we're worried about the co-payment levy the Coalition is bringing in for bulk-billed consultations.

Our practice is in a regional area so there are a fair few locals who are going to be less likely to come see us when they really should.

Is this a political problem or is there a business solution to the problem?

Dr Colin Ostomy


Dear Col,

The Coalition's "Atlas Shrugged" approach to medicine is a concern to all of us, but not because it's a tax on being poor.

Mainly, the problem here is that it's a great big tax that ultimately affects doctors.

There's some history to the Coalition's decision and it's worth exploring.

Back before Malcolm Turnbull invented holograms, Nazi researchers were trawling the occult for ways to treat cheesecake related injuries, they found that subjects responded well to poverty-based incitement.

Basically, they found that if you strip people of all their dignity and possessions, their health issues become worse and they become an even bigger drain on the economy.

While that would otherwise be a great reason not to go ahead with this policy, it's the kind of thing that appeals to scared people and teenagers whose parents think BMWs are classy.

This is a market-based solution the same way that alcohol is a solution to race rioting, and for that we should all be deeply confused about what the dear leader is doing. 

So as far as business solutions are concerned, you're out of luck. Your best bet is to continue voting for the Coalition until Jesus comes back and rescues us. 

This column is supposed to be satire, and following its advice will most likely end in you losing everything you love as you're dragged into prison by a burly police officer named Bruce.