Sexual problems are common in Australia.
Sexual problems are common in Australia.

How to profit from love and sicken your children

Dear How Do I: Business?

I own and run a florist in Ipswich and I think someone forget to tell everyone that Valentine's Day is coming up.

Ordinarily this is one of the biggest times of the year for me as the menfolk organise flowers for their wives or girlfriends.

The last few years have been soft but I just put it down to the economy being slow. This year has made me really wonder what's happened to the occasion.

How do I get people excited about Valentine's day again?

Anna Krennism


Dear Anna,

Let's be honest, you're probably the only person who enjoys Valentine's Day.

The husbands hate the outlay and the expectations put on them.

The wives hate the disappointment and the expectation to 'put out'.

The kids hate having to watch their parents try to be romantic.

The singles hate the reminder that couples get all the tax breaks.

The folk who aren't straight, cisgendered and monogamous hate being reminded that people are making bugger-all effort to include them.

The government hates the bump in baby-bonus payments it causes.

The Christian lobby hate the commercialisation of Saint Valentine.

The atheists hate Saint Valentine.

And finally the Saint himself has no idea how he came to be associated with love but Geoffrey Chaucer might.

You and I might try our best to keep this commercial moment alive, dear Anna, but it's not meant to be. We soon will be forced to find our cheap, romance-related revenue elsewhere.

One day, we'll all look back and think 'wow, that was a truly horrible tradition'.

Yes friendly folk, I have returned from my absence. Please keep your suspension of disbelief inside the carriage at all times and refrain from taking this seriously as it is entirely satirical.