The don'ts and don'ts of office Christmas parties
WE LIVE in a world dictated by 'Workplace Health and Safety' and it's never more prevalent than during the festive period.
Either by way of 'helpful' news articles or in the form of 'friendly' tips produced by none other than the crew at, you guessed it, Workplace Health and Safety, we are bombarded every festive period with advice on how to conduct ourselves at the staff Chrissy party.
Don't eat too much, don't whinge, don't snog a colleague, don't ask for a pay rise, don't dress inappropriately, don't do the dance to the Salt'n' Pepa song you have been practicing all year, don't talk about work and whatever you do do or don't do or are even thinking about doing, DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!
Now, I can handle being told to bend my knees when I lift a box.
I can even tolerate filling out a form when I get a paper cut, but I refuse to be dictated to by some sort of fascist government organisation about how many wines I will or will not indulge in at the work Christmas party.
If we want to make boobs of ourselves in front of the whole team then so be it!
Don't let their ominous threats scare you off letting loose - the truth is you are practically bulletproof at work functions.
How many people have you heard of being fired because they threw up in a pot plant at a work do? None.
Because if you were fired for relieving yourself in the greenery Workplace, Health and Safety's best mate Fair Work Australia would be there to protect your rights.
Statistically speaking, you are more likely to die of shame than you are to be fired for misbehaviour at the Chrissy party.
Here is the perfect example.
My friend Barry (not his real name) got so merry at his last Christmas party that he started shoulder-barging people out of his way on the dance floor.
He rammed one poor fellow so hard he skidded across the dance floor like a skittle and dislocated his shoulder.
Was Barry asked to leave the function? Yes, of course he was.
Was he fired? No, of course he wasn't. Did he quit not long after? Yes, of course he did.
But at the end of the day, like all of us, he had worked hard all year and deserved to let his hair down and celebrate the end of another year of work.
Who are we to judge that his idea of a good time happens to involve a good old-fashioned shoulder-barging?
So on behalf of workers everywhere, back off Workplace, Health and Safety!
Who invited you anyway?!