Dumped finalist’s filthy response to Locky
The Bachelor finalist who once appeared sweetly polite has dropped the facade and served up a filthy display after being dumped by Locky in favour of the girl who lied about being an outdoorsy person.
We knew all along it was going to be a horse race between besties-turned-frenemies Irena and Bella.
How could Locky choose? Each seemed perfect but both had their flaws. We learned late in the game that Bella is a stage five clinger who isn't afraid to torch friendships and trash-talk innocent people to secure the final rose.
It also came to light at the eleventh hour that Irena is an indoorsy person moonlighting as an outdoorsy person. We can't deal with these blatant lies.
And it's not like Locky's innocent in this whole thing. The man wooed and romanced these girls until they fell in love with him only to reveal one day ago he has a third nipple. We're willing to forgive him - but only if he pledges to pierce the third nipple.
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They've been bussed out to the Hunter Valley for the special day and we're immediately disappointed we won't get to see someone being dumped in the middle of a Balinese rice terrace, like The Bachelor finales of yore.
Unable to decide which girl to choose, Locky turns to his mum, Brenda. Producers know they've wasted too much of our time with this series, so they make Bella and Irena meet Brenda all at once.
"I'm nervous," Irena confides in us, sick to her stomach she's about to be exposed as an indoorsy person.
But it's worse that what she expects. Bella goes and trash-talks her in front of Brenda - and Irena just sits there, stunned.
"It's a weird situation because Irena and I aren't really good friends anymore," Bella blurts out.
"Are you not good friends?" Brenda asks.
"No. Not anymore," she snips, now annoyed even more because she has had to repeat herself.
Come on, Bella. There are now two things lacking class about this finale: Your behaviour. And Locky's new third nipple ring.
Locky asks Brenda for a verdict and she promises to give a concrete answer.
"Can't you have them both?" she shrugs, like the Old El Paso taco girl as we raise her up on our shoulders with a cheer.
Locky has no choice but to take them each on a private date. Of course Irena continues pretending to be an outdoorsy person and insists on meeting him in the woods.
Her lie starts to come undone when she arrives wearing leather pants and a blazer. We deduct points immediately. Not because she has lied. But because her lying has now just become sloppy. Who wears leather pants to hike in the woods?
As punishment, she's forced into an open top 4WD and Locky proceeds to fang around a muddy swamp doing doughnuts. Good luck dry cleaning those leather pants, you fake outdoorsy person.
The 4WD speeds into a clearing and Locky jumps out as Irena pulls clumps of mud from her blow-dry.
"Ah, that's comfy," she sighs as she attempts to crouch down on a rock.
Lies! You are not comfortable! You're trying to bend down to lay across a rock in skin-tight leather pants! Go back indoors, where you belong!
The only person who can't see through the outdoorsy charade is Locky and he proclaims "I have fallen in love with ya" as they pash in a jacuzzi. Irena cries.
Maybe because she's overcome with emotion after finding the person she'll be with for eternity. Or maybe because she's imagining the nightmare that will come five minutes from now when she has to pull those leather pants onto the wet flesh of her legs.
Meanwhile, Bella's waiting for Locky to join her on their final date. She stares pensively into the distance and pretends the camera isn't just two metres from her face. We can't decide if she's really small or if the swing is really big.
They go make out on a couch and Locky tells her "I'm falling in love with you" but we're distracted the whole time because we don't know how the hell a chandelier is hanging from the sky.
"I can't believe Locky just told me he loves me," Bella beams to us.
FACT CHECK: He said "I'm falling in love with you". But he told Irena "I have fallen in love with ya". Huge difference.
We deduct points from Bella for getting cocky and not listening properly. But this game isn't over until Locky officially dumps one girl and hands the other a piece of sponsorship jewellery.
After a tumultuous piece-to-camera, Locky is ready to deliver his decision.
Bella arrives first and he breaks down, sobbing at the sight of her. It's sudden and confronting - like the angry redhead's meltdown in the premiere.
"I fell in love with you the first day I saw ya and I saw those big brown eyes," he begins. "Like, they just make me go crazy. But … I have fallen in love with two girls. And, like, I know … you don't, like, sort of see where your future is at the moment. I think I need just a little bit of certainty … I just don't know if…I can see us working."
Bella's shocked. She pulls her hands out of his palms and turns away.
"This is it?" she says, not even trying to hide her irritation. "I just don't get it. Yesterday, you told me you were in love with me."
But he didn't! She didn't listen to the nuances and now she has been blindsided.
He tries to explain he needs more commitment but she snaps back and gets defensive.
"You can't turn this around on me," she snips. "My God. … Can I leave? I'm going."
And that's that. The whole thing is reminiscent of Abbie's 2019 dumping on a dirt mound in South Africa where she also delivered a putrid response before storming off.
Oh, and then we get a close-up of her crying in the back of the Toyota Camry.
Producers give Irena the signal to walk up the driveway to meet Locky. She commits to the outdoorsy charade right down to the final moment by wearing animal print.
We know how it ends.
"I'm so bloody in love with you!" Locky grunts.
"I love you too!" Irena sobs. "What a crazy ride we've already had together."
Well, here's a newsflash, you moonlighting outdoorsy dame. The crazy ride hasn't even begun.
As the music swirls and the adrenaline wears off, the camera pans up and we see the colour drain from Irena's face as she realises she is now locked into a lifetime of 5am weekend hikes. In leather pants.
Originally published as Dumped finalist's filthy response to Locky