‘Dog’: Bachelor star eviscerated by mum
There are some things only a mother can do - like folding a fitted sheet, keeping the glass shower screen free of soap scum, and eviscerating a no-good Bachelor backpacker in a dressing-down that includes the phrase "lying, cheating dog".
Being a mum is honestly never-ending so of course we feel sorry for the matriarch of Kiki's family when she's dragged out to the Bachelor In Paradise island on Wednesday night to deal with Ciarran.
Kiki's mum is joined by a bunch of other family members who ferry out to meet the new couples that have formed on the show. Is it too soon? Yes. It would make more sense for me to introduce my family to Boner Alert - the blank profile that has been relentlessly messaging me on Grindr for the past seven weeks. The bond formed between me and Boner Alert is stronger than whatever these bozos have.
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But first, we bid goodbye to a couple. LITtney and Jackson The Pie King decide they're too embarrassed to bring their families over, and we understand wholeheartedly. They inform producers they will exit the show but promise they'll give it a shot on the outside. Producers - and us - don't care either way.
Like the sudden exits of Timm and Britt and Keira and Alex, we wait around for a formal goodbye that never comes. Osher is not alerted and neither are their co-stars, who are distracted once again by the frozen daiquiri machine. LITtney and The Pie King just flake off, like the crust on a service station pie. They jump in his pie van and drive off into the sunset.
The day-trippers arrive and Alisha's mum Donna is just stoked to be in Paradise.
"I'm in some alternative land of amazingness!" she gushes and … that's one way to describe this place.
On the other side of the island, we meet Renee's grandparents.
"They've been with me through heartbreak - especially with Ciarran," she reveals. "They warned me about him from the start."
Her grandparents are very refined and we kinda wish she was still dating Ciarran just so we could see nan and pop's faces when he rolled up for lunch in his yellow speedos and braids. Instead, they will meet Matt.
"He rides for Nitro Circus. It's like BMX," Renee informs them.
Their faces drop and they're this-close to asking if maybe she might reconsider Ciarran.
Matt joins them and his dad immediately throws him under the bus.
"What he does for work attracts young, beautiful girls and they're hanging off him," he brags as Renee's grandparents gasp.
Matt's dad's strategy appears to be "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen".
By contrast, Ciarran is really sounding like a dream to nan and pop. But they don't even know the half of it.
Kiki's annoyed. She's still fuming about everything that has come out in recent days with the ring and the fact Ciarran slept with Jess and hooked up with Abbie and whoever else.
"I'm having second thoughts about everything," she tells her mum.
Kiki's mum tells it to her straight. "He's a dog."
She's a no nonsense lady and promptly pulls Ciarran aside by his topknot to tell him what's what.
"It's pretty serious when you sleep with someone else. It's a real dog act, actually. Do you think she deserved that?" she raises her eyebrows and shoots him a look that only mums can give.
" … I was just … thinking about myself," he stutters.
Ooh. Wrong answer.
"It's very hard to start a relationship on some selfish ego tripping guy," she squints.
This is when other guys might back down - it would be the wise choice. Kiki's mum is only warming up and she's daring him to push back.
"I've been the most honest guy in Paradise! I haven't lied to her once," he lies, again.
This claim is outstanding and we wish Mary was here to serve up the perfect reactionary cutaway shot. Here's one from the archives:
Kiki's mum is just fed up now and ends him with a final sledge.
"Piss off. It's just crap. You're a lying, cheating dog," she rasps.
Ciarran has told so many lies in Paradise that he has confused himself about what's true and what's not. He asks Kiki what she's heard and she rattles off the laundry list: the ring, the hook-up with Abbie, the sleeping in Renee's bed. Sex with Jess.
"That never f**king happened!" he disputes all of it.
You know, if only this were a reality show where cameras film everything. Oh, wait. We pull out the sepia-toned flashback footage and press "play" on the highlight reel.
He can't argue anymore. And with nowhere left to run, he turns on Mary for telling Kiki about it all.
"Some little idiot says something stupid that's not even true!" he spits.
Well then. We'll be honest: We couldn't care less about the lying and the cheating and the bedhopping. But talking about Mary like that? To quote Kiki's mum: "It's a real dog act".
Kiki doesn't know what to believe. Ciarran insists he has told the truth but red flags keep popping up. Can she trust him?
I'd have more luck trusting Boner Alert.
Originally published as 'Dog': Bachelor star eviscerated by mum