Couple awkwardly interrogated about sex
After comparing his wife's plastic surgery to Michael Jackson, one Married At First Sight husband gets hammered by his in-laws about why he's not hammering their precious girl - all while a different guy finally takes a ride on his wife's wobble machine.
Don't bother searching for that phrase on Urban Dictionary - it's not a dirty slang term. Though I will start referring to people's bodies exclusively as "wobble machines" from now on.
While boarding Jetstar flights to begin the brides' homestays, all the remaining contestants are still spewing Aleks and Ivan piked.
"I think it makes a mockery of the whole thing," Steve fumes. Oh Steve, calm down. We've been mocking you guys since day one.
"People would give their right arm to be here!" he declares. I'd literally give all my body parts to ensure I never ended up there.
Lizzie's running late and doesn't have time for breakfast, but thank god she packed some handbag biscuits.
In Brisbane at Mishel's semi-detached villa, Steve wishes he had a bunch of extra right arms just to fight off his wife who is determined to sleep in the same bed as him.
She even brings in her daughter Ava and attempts to coerce her into saying she'd feel uncomfortable if her mum and new daddy didn't sleep in the same bed. Steve begins freaking out.
"Tell us what will make you more comfortable," Mishel coaxes Ava.
"I really don't care," Ava stares back.
"It sounds to me like she wants to sleep with her mum. And that is completely 100 per cent OK," Steve determines.
Ava would actually prefer not to have Steve sleeping in her bed. If it were up to Ava, Steve would be staying at a Formula 1 motel.
Mishel is crushed. She thought sharing a bed would be their first step toward something more than just over-the-jean knee petting.
She's wrong. They might not be sharing a bed, but that doesn't stop Steve from taking a ride on her wobble machine.
"It just jiggles all your fat," Mishel explains as Steve steps onto the … "exercise" … device.
"It's quite arousing," Steve stutters. Jeez. Steve finds more sexual satisfaction in a piece of crap from Danoz Direct than he does his own wife.
Meanwhile, in the Shire, KC and Drew are at the local Coffee Club fighting over who should pay the bill.
KC's mum, aunt and nan come around to her joint to meet Drew and KC immediately dobs on her husband. She tells the ladies everything - that Drew thinks she's superficial and how he's scared she'll give their baby a boob job.
"I wanna cry. I wanna tear him down for that. He dares to say that to you?' her mum Linda spews.
Suddenly, it seems Dr Trisha has infiltrated this home visit under the guise of a suburban aunt.
"Can I ask a question? Have you been intimate?" KC's aunt asks.
"A little bit but we haven't had sex. We kiss, we cuddle," KC details.
"When you cuddle … can you feel if he's … happy?" the aunt probes before they all shriek and sip their pinot grigio at 1pm on this weekday afternoon.
They're just like the Sex & The City gals! You know, if Sex & The City was set in the Shire and instead of sipping cosmopolitans they just guzzled box wine.
Nan's the Samantha.
Over lunch, the gals treat Drew like he's Big when he stood Carrie up on her wedding day and left her with nothing but a weird bird on her head. They're not happy, and it's made worse when Drew starts mouthing off again about KC giving their baby a boob job.
"It's irreversible and you have to keep chasing your tail and you end up looking like Michael Jackson," he says of the vicious surgery cycle.
Ugh, Drew. You act like that's a bad thing! KC is a dancer. And when she eventually transforms into Michael Jackson and features on an episode of Botched, she can tour the country with a MJ tribute show! Just think, getting to play all the great concert halls of our regional cities. People kill for that kinda razzle dazzle showbiz success! And if you're lucky, maybe she'll let you open for her and you can stop busking in the back of that gross van you roll around town in.
It's only a matter of time before the Sex & The City ladies get dirty again.
"Have you been intimate," KC's aunt probes Drew.
Drew can't believe what's happening.
"I had her mum, her aunty and her nana there basically asking why I'm not banging her!" he vents to us. Come on Drew. You act like that's not normal.
Meanwhile, Connie's mum has completely disowned her and refuses to host any kind of homestay, leaving Connie and Jonnie to find an Airbnb. Jonnie's relieved. He has been trying to get out of this marriage for two weeks now. All he has to do now is chill at an Airnbnb before trying to make another break for it on Sunday.
But not before he's forced to tolerate two of Connie's marine biology friends. They know all about Jonnie and his attempts to leave and they don't shut up about it.
"Mixed signals!" they yell. "Wrong intentions!" they chant. To be honest, it's pretty clear they don't even really care about this stupid relationship and they're just being forced to feign interest by producers.
"You guys know nothing!" Jonnie yells at them. "I feel like I was arguing with a bunch of pigeons!"
He runs off and the friends start laughing because this is just so ridiculously boring and we all just want to leave.
Connie's marine biology mates and Jonethen can't be bothered taking this seriously. Everyone is in pain and they're just waiting for this experiment to be over.
Jonnie just wants to come home. He has never regretted anything more in his life. To Jonnie, there is not a life decision more regretful than coming on Married At First Sight.
Well. We take great delight in telling him we have found one poor life choice that is on par.
Ladies and gentleman, we give you: Seb's toe tattoos - a five pronged homage to this esteemed program.
We'd rather take a ride on Mishel's wobble machine.