Time for some new TV rules as housemate joins the cave

CAVEMAN has a new housemate!

Sadly, she has inherited a substantially worse taste in music and television than my sister, which has meant of late, we of the Caveman's abode have suffered through more viewings of My Kitchen Rules than our household would normally experience.

And by that I mean the fact that it's actually been on the tube in our place is a massive change.

Alas, the gold one finds on ABC, be it classic British TV like Never Mind the Buzzcocks, or Spicks and Specks re-runs, has been replaced with hours of endless drivel, dished up (see what I did there) by the team at MKR.

I'd rather watch Oprah Winfrey in a wet t-shirt comp than another minute of pointless tears and shitty, Hallmark-card-style inspirational speeches about how they've got to 'climb the mountain' - that is, make a bloody dessert.

The whole thing is scripted, false, and in no way looks to make people any more intelligent or better off for wasting an hour of their lives watching it.

A disaster, when you overcook fish?


A disaster is the fact that 9000 children have just been recruited as child soldiers in South Sudan, to fight a civil war they're too young to understand the enormity of and, for the majority, will end in needless slaughter.

This leads me to my proposal for the next season of My Kitchen Rules. 

It's a rather abridged version; in fact it only runs for one episode.

Essentially, this is what I will be posting to Channel Seven when I pitch my idea.

It starts with a full complement of competitors, but rather than cooking food, the competition is decided by which team can hold their heads on the frying pan the longest.

The winners will obviously take home the glory of being MKR champs, as well as significant amounts of gauze and antiseptic cream.

But in a late twist!!!

The entire set is filled with gas and set alight! With contestants, hosts and as many brain-dead, MKR fanatics as we can fit inside.

It will rid society of a bigger blight than Craig McLachlan's stand-up....Google that if you don't believe me. He's truly horrifying.