Life support wards reviewed to "kick out the bludgers"

THE Department of Social Services has launched a blueprint to "stop hospital patients from bludging on life support".

Minister for Social Services Van Morrison addressed the media at St Cuthbert's Desperate Care Hospital and delivered his four-point plan for ending people's reliance on machines to stay alive.

"This is all about getting the bludgers out of the system," Mr Morrison said.

"It's not good enough to have taxpayers funding these people's lifestyles while some of them aren't even lifting a finger.

"Now, those who genuinely need these machines have nothing to worry about, but they will have to abide by our six-month waiting period first."

When asked what the four points of his plan were, Mr Morrison replied that he would "take the question on notice".

Hospital and Prison Bed Occupance Commission spokesperson Tan Atos applauded the government's direction.

"With the increasing pressure on the private health industry, it's always good to see government looking after our member companies' welfare," Ms Atos said.

"We predict upwards of $20,000 could be saved for the industry by booting the freeloaders off those life-saving machines.

"There's so much investment that's going amiss because of the risk associated with the imminently mortal."

Student activist group WhatUp forcibly gained entry to the ward where the press conference was being held just as the minister and Ms Atos pulled the plug on their first patient, saving taxpayers literally dozens of dollars.

Two of the activists were led away in handcuffs.

The third activist was arrested and charged with having a suntan and was taken to Manus Island.


Could the foreign intelligence agencies who've hacked the majority of Australians' mobile phones please contact the Australian Government?

Frisky Business is a satire column. It is not real.